Embrace your body

I am writing this from the top of my head after a long day. I went home at lunch because I was so tired, I'd woken up at 5:30 to be at school to help preparing a charity event. I tried to convince myself I was fine, but my body clearly indicated that I should stop what I'm doing. So with the help of my body (and my boyfriend), I decided I would go home and rest.

Our bodies do miracles. Our legs carry us places, our tummy is there to someday, if you are a woman, carry a life inside it, it is also there just for the sake of looking cute or why not, incredibly sexy? Our arms carry things around for us, make it possible to give hugs and receive them, our hands can create wonderful art. Our eyes make most of us see the beautiful world we have been placed in, our ears are there to hear the birds sing and to hear our loved ones speak. Our mouth, with their fulness and cupid's bow makes it possible for us to experience that magical, yet often also failed, first kiss, and many more.
Be thankful to your body. Don't hurt it. Take care of it. Love it.
I have my body to thank for keeping me alive. And so does anyone else. Your body is something crucial to your existence. You wouldn't hurt a friend that has been there for you through blood, sweat and tears, would you? Well your body is your friend, so you should not hurt your body either.
The next time you're ill, and thinking you should still go to work/school, think twice, really listen to your body. The next time you think of skipping a meal, don't. The next time you intend hurting yourself on purpose, tell yourself your body doesn't deserve that- try to separate you from your body. Who are you really hurting now, you or your body, your friend? The next time you're thinking of doing something that would harm your precious body, don't do it. Your body doesn't deserve to be harmed, but loved.

Enjoy life

I am writing this after a long, exhausting week filled with blood, sweat and tears. (Literally.) I've been drowning in work, my monthly hell started, and my flu doesn't want to end. I got to cry out to my therapist as an end to the story, which was, as many of you probably know, very relieving.
Last weekend ended on a good note though. I felt so calm and at peace on Sunday. I actually didn't have any major homeworks to do, so I calmly spent half of my day reading a book and doing some colouring, drinking coffee, and eating the rest of my Valentine's Day chocolate I got from my beloved boyfriend. (Thank you <3). I was enjoying life.
This is something I've only recently started to do. All thanks to recovery. Before, I couldn't enjoy life. I lived in constant hunger, anxiety and pain- what joy can you find when living like this? The only joy I had was my family and my friends, but I didn't get to use this properly since I drew myself back from them. And also, I didn't realise that you can find joy in little things such as reading a book, laughing or having a nice cup of tea. But now I do. I tend to get joy from just having a good nap after school. I take joy from giving a smile and a nod to the person walking past me on the street. I get joy from the little walk I just had. When someone tells me they love my skirt, they've made my day. And also, I get joy from being able to get joy from these little things.
I'm not going to write a long post this time, cause I'm soon going to go get my good night's sleep (hopefully). So my message to you who's reading this: ENJOY YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST.

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

Last week it was National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. Therefore I am writing this.
I want to share a few things about eating disorders. First of all, they are ALL mental illnesses. To be classified anorexic you need to be a certain BMI? BULLSHIT. To be bulimic you have to be overweight? What!? No. Forget all these stereotypes and lies. I wasn't a beautiful skinny girl 20 kgs ago. I didn't lean over the toilet for attention.  And anorexia and bulimia are not the only eating disorders out there. EDNOS, binge eating disorder (BED), orthorexia, anorexia, bulimia are all eating disorders. And they are all as serious.
Let me tell you a few things about my anorexia, the eating disorder I struggled with the most. (I also had issues with bulimia and orthorexia.) This illness made me torture my body. There was this one exam week for example, when the first two days I didn't eat anything. The third day of that week I woke up and went to the bathroom and puked and puked a load of stomach acid, because that's one thing that can happen when you deprive your body from food. It's a natural reaction. After that I fainted. I had to stay home that day and miss my exam, because I couldn't walk the whole morning. For breakfast I had a piece gingerbread and a dried baby fig. This though didn't stop me a few months later to not eat anything during the whole day, and then walk 7 kilometres to my dance class, that lasted 1.5 hours. After that I took the bus home, and during the walk from the bus stop to my home I had to stop walking for about 5 minutes, because I was feeling so weak and about to faint. The terrifying stomach cramps from hunger stopped me from moving, it was just impossible. I ate an egg when I came home and then went to bed.
I was thinking about food ALL THE TIME. It was never ending. It was constantly on my mind. I was so hungry, so the only thing that I could think about was that. In the end I didn't even feel my hunger anymore. It became my normal state. I was so buried in my thoughts that it started effecting my social life, and eventually my school results. My eating disorders wills always came first.
I used to feel like I'd binged, if I ate a bit of pasta for dinner, because my parents made me. After that I went up to my room and purged it. My veins under my eyes were sprained, and my throat felt like hell.
My teeth suffered from the malnutrition and self induced vomiting. I had tiny thin white hairs growing all over my body to try to keep me warm cause I had no fat. My skin was yellow and dry. My nails were brittle. My hair was falling out. I had no muscle left either. I looked like a dead body. And yet I saw myself as obese. I had (and still have) a biased view of myself. But it is much better now, because I eat. When you don't eat, your brain doesn't function and that makes you see yourself completely wrong. Everyone else saw my drastic weight loss, while I only saw myself as fatter and fatter for every kilo I lost.
I remember when my doctor actually let me go on a 5 day school trip to Rome a month before I was hospitalised. We walked at least 10 kilometres a day. I ate a yoghurt in the morning, had no lunch, and then ate a ridiculous 'dinner'. The last night, I binged like crazy on sweets and cookies etc at a little 'party' we had in one of the rooms. After that I went back to my room and felt so horrible. I purged.
I continued and continued with this until my body just gave up, and I had to go to hospital. When my friends who I'd told about my problems told me how many people actually knew about me being ill, I was shocked. How could people see that, I thought. I remember being angry at one friend at one point because I thought he'd told people about my eating disorder, because I felt more and more people started knowing about my secret. But it had been because of the way I looked and acted that people had started to realise something wasn't right. I had become a completely different person, or actually, I was still there, but underneath all the darkness.
I have now partly dragged myself out of that darkness, but recovery is a long long journey, so I take it day by day, and choose it everyday again and again.